White Flags It’s my belief that capitulation is something that can only be felt. You can't understand it. You can't predict it. You can only experience it. But what a force it has! It is so hard not to give in and just let yourself drown by the weight of your sinking belly. It challenges your resolve, makes you question your assumptions, and leaves you wondering if you don't understand anything at all. Who knows what's out there in the unknown. It makes you sick. So you capitulate.

You throw in the towel and start over. And with that, the feeling dissipates and you're left in some sort of lonely abyss.

Alone.

What's amazing is how quickly that feeling, which had been so terrible, just ends. Like it never was. And all you're left with is the memory of its discomfort and some spinning uncertainty of whether you did the right thing.

This goes on a few times or a thousand, until you begin to understand.

And with understanding comes the strength to look capitulation in the eye. Eventually you conjure the courage to stare it down for what it really is.

A feeling. Grasping. Fear. Extrapolating a terrible past to a hopeless future.

You realize all that. But just as importantly, you realize its true nature. It’s only a passing deliverance that fades with time.

And then the fear doesn't seem so bad. This too will pass.

And with that, its power deflates.

Next time you don't capitulate.

I look forward to these moments now. I get a little smirk on my face, and my eyes burn fire. It is the weakness of others. It is the smell of blood. It is opportunity.

I thought I had capitulation on Monday. Now I’m not so sure. It doesn’t smell right. But soon.


- posted by Sigurd2/10/2005 09:14:00 AM