Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Not my thoughts
Last night I went to a class where I learned all about how I am not my thoughts. Its an idea that keeps popping up in my life, and every time it does I marvel at what a potent idea it is, and how simple, but then I forget it until the next time.
Its cool enough that I'm going to try to explain it.
Through the day I have all these thoughts, and all these judgements of the world around me. These thoughts that I have distract my attention from my experience, and these judgement I have color my experience with qualities that I attribute to it.
That's the philosophical description of what I do. But this is what's really important. I don't have to believe the thoughts and judgements that I have.
What an amazing idea! Just realising it lifts the weight from my shoulders and leaves me free. For having realised the nature of my thoughts and judgements, I am no longer a slave to them. I can, if I want, choose to see the thought coming, recognize it for what it is, and then let it go. I can choose not to let it exert any control over me.
I can choose to live beyond my thoughts and judgements. I can jump off of their rollercoaster, and content myself with watching its somersaults.
Monday, July 11, 2005
As I try to work out this ominous fear that has shivered through me since I woke up.
And it probably has nothing to do with the dinner party, where I sat along with all the others at a big long table under a low lit moon. Everyone else seemed so overdressed, with suits and ties and distinguished gowns. They were all very important. They were all very proper. I don't even remember one face from the crowd.
I don't even know what I was wearing.
But there I was, the center of it all, forced to choose what they all would eat. I don't know why that was, I arrived to the scene late, so I missed out on all that background.
The center of attention. Forced to make a decision for all the others. I was terrified. I didn't know what they would all want to eat. I didn't even know who they were. The menu might as well have been gibberish. I slunk between the covers, hiding my face so they would not see my shame. I thought seriously of running out, but I didn't know where the door was, or even if there was one.
That's the last that I remember of it. But it probably isn't why I'm so fearful this morning. I don't really have any decisions to make for anybody else. Only the one's for myself. And that's scary enough.
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