Sunday, June 11, 2006
Hirschfeld Nights
Sleeping, sleeping, but only sedated.
As I was lying there last night, held by the insomnia, it gives me some comfort to know that I could quit my job, if it came to it. I'd still be ok for a time. Maybe a long time, if I lived off of frozen vegetables and canned beans for protein.
Food doesn't taste that good right now anyways. I feel like I have to eat, not that I want to.
Last night I lay in bed for about an hour before I finally gave up and took a sleeping pill.
Why can't I fall asleep on my own anymore?
I guess though, that at least it seems to be getting better. At least last night I did actually lay there for almost an hour, unsedated, and I didn't once break out into a cold sweat of fear. Still couldn't sleep mind you, but at least I could relax.
At this point that is a major accomplishment.
Today, I feel okay. Better then yesterday maybe, definitely better then friday, definitely better then earlier in the week. At least I'm not terrified anymore. Like on friday. It's hard to believe that was only two nights ago. I was a mess. Terrified. And of what?
Being alone I think. Alone, awake and alive.
Please, please, oh please. No more dark sides.
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