The last time i saw pauly we were walking along the bow, it was cold and shitty out, and he was leaving the next day.

i think we were sitting on a bench watching the water when he told me God was dead.

pauly is the only person i ever knew that had the guts to kill God. the only one. the rest of us, we all denied God, and refused God, and ignored God and did all those games. but only pauly killed Him.

the funny thing about it though, is pauly didn't play in any of those other games we all did. he didn't refuse or deny or ignore or mock or any of that shit. but one day something hit him, and it must of hit him hard.

cuz he decided he had to kill Him.

i always felt guilty about that. i still do. i think i had something to do with it. i think all those words i said that i don't even know if i meant somehow sunk in to pauly. i think pauly took them a little more then i ever intended.

pauly kept on killing Him after he left and went east. i'd hear about it when he'd call. he wanted to kill Him good. wanted Him buried so deep He'd never get out. wanted to make sure He didn't get up and start at it again.

its funny too, cuz since pauly's been gone, and i guess that's almost four years now, well since then i think i've reconciled it all. with God i mean. not pauly's God mind you. he never lived for me. but God. real God. I think i've reconciled with Him.

but i don't know if it will ever end for pauly. i doubt it will. once God has lived in you, you can't ever just kill Him.

i feel bad about it though. sometimes i feel really bad.

cuz I know that pauly will die trying.

- posted by Sigurd9/18/2004 11:27:00 PM